*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
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First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
the short answer to this question
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”