At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
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Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.