My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
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Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.