Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
You Might Also Like
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Something Saturday.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.