The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
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Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
this has done me in for some reason
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
thanksgiving should be called feaster
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.