Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
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When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Taliband
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.