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Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
I know karate and tons of other words.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months