Gorilla vs. cold water đ
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Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse đ
when people say theyâre into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps arenât real
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
âPut that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.â
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was âopen condom styleâ
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
âIâm tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.â – guy about to invent the R.V.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
You say âleftover baconâ like Iâm supposed to know what that isâŚ
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said âi work in subwayâ and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: âooh, big stretch!â
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Youâre telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Canât wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
My grandadâs novel about his killer bicep workout wouldâve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadnât stolen âA Farewell to Armsâ
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! Thatâs a really cool pen. Where did you get it?