TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
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I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.