One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
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People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.