This is the best one I’ve seen
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Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
B
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way