“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
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The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
This did not end as expected.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw