Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
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Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I’m not proud
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon