One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
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My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
just leave it at the foot of the bed
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*