My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
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Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]