me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
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Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
what the
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
What even happened today?
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap