I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
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It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
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Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.