excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
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I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day