I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
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Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Mornin
January has been Januweary
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.