I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
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detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
I would like even faster food.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way