No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
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[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Wise advice
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.