no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
You Might Also Like
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.