Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
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Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
What personal space?
My dog
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.