you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
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Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
🙂🐾
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay