I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
You Might Also Like
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
back to work
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Holy crap this is wonderful
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows: