Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
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Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Looking at you, Jesus.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”