when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
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Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My new favorite headline
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator