Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
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“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
channeling her this year
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.