*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
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My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort