When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
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If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’