Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
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Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
*lint rolls you awake*
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
#Caturday
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.