My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
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“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?