me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
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Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it