31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
You Might Also Like
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older