Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
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College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff