getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
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When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.