her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
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Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.