I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
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I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
selena gomez
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
They got Raph!
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Who.
Did.
This?
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.