righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
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My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…