Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
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Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.