Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
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Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts