I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
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Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”