Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
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She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.