Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
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JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
There is no “we” in pizza
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.