[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
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My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.