Another interesting #factupdates post!
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daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
When you let grandma cat sit
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.