Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
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ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
🙂🐾
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.