I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
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Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty