If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
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Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
For anyone who needs this today
Don’t frighten the programmers!
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’