Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
You Might Also Like
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol